Saturday, November 07, 2009

exercise cals

after weeks of losing no weight(and even putting on) i have now got it in my thick skull that i need to eat my exercise calories. I posted on wlr last night re the starvation mode and everybody who replied said EAT YOUR EXERCISE CALORIES! i guess i have been scared of eating them cos im scared il put on weight.Iv gone from bingeing to eat 1000s of cals in 1 sitting to not eating my exercise cals, its very irrational thinking,i have however started from today to eat my exercise cals.i havent lost any weight so now i need to re think and re start.I aiming to eating half of the cals.
i woke up today and went to the gym, i was really tired and didnt want to go, i forced myself and ending up spending 15 mins there! i started doing my weights program but was putting in no effort so i just came home. I havent done this for 2 years where i have come home but i couldnt be bothered. I live only 2 mins way from the gym. I have had 4 sessions at the gym this week anyway,I will have a day off tomorrow and then i will be back to normal on monday, i know it was just a small blip.
food has been good,
B=shredded wheat with skimmed milk
L=rye bread with chicken and cucumber
D=not sure

i had a S&*t day yesterday, i had a works event in the afternoon and tried on my size 10 trousers. I couldnt even do them up, i was so shocked and upset but was a real wake up call as to why i need to lose my weight, i never want to feel like that again.thats why i will do anything to lose my weight, even eat my exercise calories!
my hula hooping is going good, i can do a few tricks now, i wore my hrm the other day and burnt 489 cals in just 50 mins. I love it!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 02, 2009

i am getting lazy with my blog, sorry! I have been going over my cals most days but this is down to me not planning my food and eating shit.the main thing is that i have not been binging, hurrah! i have been feeling really down today,i feel fat and have lost no weight in the last few days, i thought i would now that i have my ed under control but i havent. I exercise 5 times a week and eat 1250 cals, i really dont know where i am going wrong. i sometime wonder if im the only person in the world who cant lose weight. i dont want to use the excuse that its cos im 5ft that its harder for me as other people my height can lose weight and do. I know that just losing 7lbs will make such a differnce to me. work has been ok today,i have 1 more day before i am off for 4 days. my hula hooping is going good and i can now do a booty bump. i finished work and went my mums and ended up having a mini argument with her over personal family stuff, people are so selfish!i ended up walking out and was crying in my car. i feel real rubbish now and fat. i will have to start reading the e version of tom venuto and maybe try his plan for a few weeks. my weight makes me so miserable. and it has such a negative impact on all aspects of my life,iv lost my confidence and i hate,i just want to how i was.

ps sorry for the negative post

Monday, October 26, 2009


I have not posted for a week, its very lazy of me i know.I have been at work all week but am now on my days off.My food had been good even though i went alton towers on friday and ate an ice cream(lovely) and a chicken baguette for lunch that made me sooooooo sleepy that i needed a power nap.
The main thing to report is that I still HAVENT binged. I cant believe it, its mad. I am just totally normalish around food. I have lost 1kg in the last 2 weeks so my weight is coming off slowly, so very pleased about that.
I am now obsessed with hula hooping! i can move with my hoop now and can hoop with it around my neck. I love it!
I have had a pt session today and doing 300. This is a workout where you have to to 300 reps, eg squats, press ups, sit ups, anything really but in total it needs to add up to nearly killed me,

today i have ate:
B=porridge with skimmed milk
L=baked sweet potoato, cottage cheese and salad.

I have seen a recipe on edna buckets blog with cod and spaghetti so i will try that tonight, going to the theatre to watch dinner ladies tonight so will take a planned treat with me for the internal(i can see me raiding the man who walks about with ice cream if i dont)
I managed to buy a lara bar from my sainburys the other day. It was ginger snap, it was a bit too strong for me.Think I will stick to my trusted nakd bars. Them lara bars were also £1.47 each so not cheap.
I am going to manchester tomorrow shopping, I have a free mini facial booked in at ren at harvey nicholls, they do lovely natural beauty care. Cant wait. My pt has suggested that i have a day where i eat 1000 on top of my daily allowance once a week. Tomorrow is that day.Im so excited!!! 2200 calories, its a luxury

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I tried my new cocoa orange nakd bar today, it was like chewy terrys chocolate orange but without the rubbish in. I was so pleased with my nakd deliveries as i only ordered them yesterday. I have not been up to much today except going to the gym. I have just lazed around the house. I have just bought some promax crisp bars as they are on offer on thier site. Its buy 1 get 1 free. I said its buy one, get 1 free(sad i know) . I have bought 24 bars for £11.83 and they ave 84 cals with 6g protein.Today i have ate:

B=podge with skimmed milk
L-granary stick with philadelphia and salad, apple
S=naked and options capaccino
S=2 x qourn mini sausage rolls(i need to finish these bloddy things,I should never have bought them)
Dinner will be chicken, I did buy some salmon but to be honest its too fishy for me and makes me gag.

Last night i went for a meal at a turkish place, it was lovely/ I had grilled lamb with a flatbread and about 5 chips. It was lovely.
I am still not binging(hurrah) I must count the total number of days I have not binged for and will treat myself to summat non foodie when i get to 100 days

Friday, October 16, 2009

went hula hoopin today and it was so much fun! i burnt 300 cals in 30 mins. I loved it and will definately go again. We had loadsa stares from people using the gym as we were in an empty studio but i didnt care. I am actually quite good at it.(sorry to be bigheaded)
I ramg natural balance today and ordered the nakd new flavours trial pack. They were so helpful on the phone and have gave me 2 free trek flapjacks cos i asked what they were like. how nice.
food has been ok today:
B=Protein pancakes
L= 2 egg omelate with 100g egg whites, 30g pasta, salad
S= 2 finn crisp with philadephia and 1 x quorn sausage roll(mini)

Going out for my meal tonight but have loads of calories left.Had my hair done today, my roots were proper showing.

In a rush so will post again later

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I have not posted on here for ages. My internet was broke and I had to get it fixed.I am now off work for 4 days(hurrah) and go back on monday. When I was last on here, It was a day before my final NLP session. It went really well.Its a real long drive to leeds but worth it. I have not binged!!!!!!! Its mad. The thought of binges dont even cross my mind even more. I even had a bit of utterly butterly on my bread the other day instead of my extra light flora and it wasnt the end of the world nor did it trigger a binge.
Its made sucha differnce to my life not binging. It was so tiring, mentally and physically.
Anyway.....tomorrow I am going hula hooping. Im so excited. I have just ordered my hula hoop online but will use my borrowed one tomorrow.Today I went thai boxing and burnt 480 calories.

Today I have ate:
B=Porridge with skimmed milk
L=30g wholewheat pasta and 2 eggs and salad, options capacinno
S=1 Qourn mini sausage roll(i went shopping and could resist them), 2 finn crisp and philadephia lite
D=Grassingtons vegy bake with carrots, peas, and brocolli

I really need to shift some weight. Anyway I will post tomorrow and let yiu know how my hula hooping went!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Back to sunny england

Got back yesterday from turkey.It was fab and red hot. We stayed at a lovely hotel and they even upgraded us to a suite.I weighed myself today and have ot put any weight on.I cant believe it cos i ate loads. I had wait for it SIX KEBABS while i was there but it is all grilled meat. Its the first holiday i had where i have not binged and gone mad. I did eat loads and overindulged but stayed in control. I did have 2 blips where i over indulged and then threw up, not good but was able to pick myself back up again.
I have my last 2 NLP sessions tomorrow so fingers crossed. I have not binged since my first session in early september. I never thought I would be free of it but I am and it feels so good.
Today I went to the gym and saw some women hula hooping in the empty studio.It looks fab and I asked if I could join them next week. I had a little go and I wasnt too bad. I will be buying a hula hoop from hula hoop dance company, im so excited. I had a pt session today and burnt 488 cals.Today my eating is back to normal and i have ate/;
S=apple and babaybel lite
L=2 egg frittata and 30g pasta and salad
S=options Latte and pineapple and grapes
S=1 x finn crisp and laughing cow triangle
D-Chicken and spanish rice
S=Melon and Green and Blacks

I really need to plan my meals even more and plan for 6 instead of 4 snacks.I really want to have a clean diet

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Last blog until oct 5th

I am going to turkey for one week on monday so wont be blogging for a bit.Apparently its aboyt 30c in turkey at the mo, blisss.
Today I woke up and went to the gym.Did a mix of weights and a tiny bit of cardio and burnt 465 calories.I cant believe i used to spend 90 mins on cv machines and would not work as hard or burn as many calories as my 50 minutes weight based workout today.
I still have not binged(hurrah). I am aiming to treating myself with a pedicure when i get to 100 days of no binging. I have some weight loss goals on my profile on wlr but these will have to run alongside them.
Not been up to much today,gym and then watched what katie did next and repeats of last weeks x factor(sad i know). Not sure if i am going to my mums for dinner or eat my frozen qourn cottage pie at home. I had my lovely protein pancakes this morning, I luuurve them.
I have got to work tomorrow till 8.I have packed and have printed off a workout from chocolae buttons blog for my holiday(there is no gym at the hotel in turkey)

I will see you all when i get back!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Im off work for the next 2 days.MY OH has gone for a stag do for the weekend.I still havent binged(hurrah). 3 weeks on tuesday
Woke up at 9.30 and went gym, did my weights programme.Came home to see that my lovely conscious bar that i won from JAGS blog had come. I have just had a taste and its reallynice, my OH doesnt like it but then he doesnt like almond butter either(weirdo). I have only just realised that JAG actually stands for Just a girl! Durrrhhh!
I am going to my mums for dinner tonight and have saved a 1000 cals for this.I find it easier on 0.5lbs weight loss even though i havent weighed myself for ages. i will weigh myself before i go to turkey on monday.
Today i have ate:
b=protein pancakes(LURRRRRVE these)
L=toasted sandwich with halloumi and salad)
S= 2 ferrerro rochers(they were going off) and a options mocha

I worked over till 10.30 last nite, should have finished at 1700 so i ate really late.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Yesterday was eid(festival for when ramadan finshes)so there was lots of food about. I had no set meal time and felt anxious before i even left my house.I told my OH and he told me listen to my NLP disc before i went(i really do sound like a scouser on it), it calmed me down amazingly and the anxious feeling i had went away. The problem i had when i went to my families house was that I had to stand up and eat as there was lots of people there(this made me eat quicker and more) Due to this i felt really full and went and made myself sick.I am dispappointed in myself but i got back on track straight away.This didnt trigger a binge(thankfully) I dont know why i did it, well i do i fell full. I will speak to my NLP man when i see him in a few weeks and see what he thinks. My main aim was to get rid of the bingeing which led to the purging yesterday I just purged.In the evening I went to an anniversary party where we arrived late,everyone was already on the main course so we had to catch up with courses in the space of 5 mins.It was an ok night and I got home at 11.30pm.
Today i made my protein pancake for the first time, hmmmm it was fab.I put some splenda in and chopped banana.The first 1 turned out fine,the 2nd was fine until i messed with it and then it turned into scrambled eggs.I did my weighs program at the gym after a few weeks because of ramadhan.God there is some fit men at they gym, its deffo the place to go for singles,(none as lovely as my OH though).I did a sneaky peak weigh in after i had lunch on saturday and pint of water and weighed 9st6.This is the heaviest I have ever seen the scales out.Maybe it was v.silly to weigh myself after food and water. Havent done much today, gym then went aldi for some fruit cos its cheap(my sis rang as i was there and was shocked to hear me shopping at aldi, snob)Today i have ate:
B=protein pancake, lush
L=1 x wholemeal chicken and low fat mayo sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps (not very healthy i know) and an options latte

Not sure what to have for dinner as OH is at work,maybe porridge
I burnt 492 cals before background calories at the gym doing my weights.I love doing weights.Once I am back into my weighs again and my eating issues are proper sorted then i want to take some more pics. I feel really fat at the mo but am determined to shake this weight off and get lean. There is nothing stopping me.
I am back at work tomorrow for 3 days, off for 2, in for 1 then turkey for a week.12 days without binging(I have decided to write off the head down the toiled issue from yesterday and wont let it be a hurdle)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

11 days

since I went for my appoinment and not binged. Im proud of myself. I am now off work for 4 days, back on tuesday,Im so lazy i didnt wake up till 11.30am. I was so tired, I woke up at 3am by my period pain that really hurt, so I guess I have an excuse. I have been a bit lazy and havent even been the gym. I went yesterday and ache so i thought i would give it a miss.Today(fongers crossed) is the last day of fasting, so tomorrow i guess is what is the equivalent of christmas. I have a big meal at my mums and then am going to an anniversary party in the evening. Then on monday, fasting will be out the way and social occasions and i can really get back on track.
Yesterday I ate a whopping 5000 calories! I didnt binge though, My OH wanted pizza and chips last night and i ate 3 slices of pizza, a handful of chips and 1 slice of garlic bread.I then had 3 thorntons(from my birthday) and a handful of m and ms. I know 5000 cals sounds like a lot but i overindulged as opposed to binging.The difference was i enjoyed my food and was in control. Tonight i have a meal at my mums and then meals out tomorrow, im using my coping mechanism is that i will stay in control but wont calories count.fingers crossed. Roll on monday to normal eating and exercise.
Today i woke up so late and ate porridge and 2 slice of burgen linseed bread with cashew butter and diabetic jam, i was so hungry. My OH is at work today so I have the day to myself, not sure what i will do yet. Im so tired and want to go back to bed. I havent weighed myself yet but will do so next sunday before i go turkey for a week. I dont feel slimmer(my gym has average twice a week in the last 3 weeks cos of fasting)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Its been ages since i have last posted on my blog. I have had 6 long days at work and doing lots of overtime. Its also been a week since my first appointment of nlp and i havent binged/purged.The thought hasnt crossed my mind to binge. I have gone longer without bingeing before but this time i have not really thought about food/calories.
I have even managed to go to 2 family meals at the weekend where i was in control. Normally this would be a trigger for a binge and i would eat loads but to be honest i got full really quick.
I only went gym twice last week due to work and i couldnt be bothered to go today after being at work for 6 days. I am aiming to start back this thursday.Ny eating has been fine(hurray) I couldnt even calorie count at the family meals and went over by 150 cals last night but hey ho.
Today i have ate:
B=Porridge and skimmed milk
S=Splendips(my sister bought them for me on offer at morrisons)
L=cheese sandwich and salt vinegar crisps
S=apple and cashew putter
D=qourn pasta sauce, wholewheat pasta

I had to look after my ill nephew today who wanted a happy meal from mcdonalds, my hubby had a meal.I had to drive home with the meals and it nearly killed me.The smell was lovely.i Had one french fry from OH,omg it was so lovely.anyway i settled for my cheese sandwich.
i will post again later if i can, i need to go, i need to do my qourn sauce before come dine with me comes on, im obsessed with it!.I still havent weighed myself. I need to hit the gym before i can even consider this.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I was right....

the nlp practitioner was a perv! he kept looking at my 34b breasts but i didnt care as i was too bothered about my session.After leaving the house at 7.30am,it took us two and a hald hours to get to leeds in the most miserable weather.My OH waited in the car for 2 hours while i went for the session,he even went shopping at morrisons for me, aaaaw bless.
My session was good, i really didnt know what to expect.The NLP man focused on the feeling before i start to binge,the trance like behaviour,the fidgeting,the anxiety and the thoughts going through my head at 100mph.He told me that food isnt the issue.I just need the tools to control my behaviour.It was all really clever and I had to replace the colour of feelings for binge mode(for me its red) to a more calmer colour(i chose pink). he then went through loads of relaxation techniques.He taped my sessions and i now have them on cd.The true test will be when or if i get the need to binge again.I am trying to be really postive.He told me loads of stuff but my memory is like a sieve and i cant remmeber anything,lucky i have the dvds.I took our packed lunch with us and then we drove back(well he did).I got back and listened to the cds, i was so relaxed that i fell asleep during it(it might be something to do with waking up at 6.30).Its really weird hearing me talk back on the cd,i have now downloaded it on my iphone.I sound like a proper scouser.
I have done no exercise today as i ache from yeserday. I have been walking like hohn wayne(my OH really did think the NLP man was a perv after he saw me walking to my car after the session,hehehe But have ate the following:

B=Readybrek and skimmed milk(now i remember why i dont eat this,its the same consistency as babys sick,I was also shocked to read the label and saw that it had only 60% oats, what about the other 40?
S1= 1 x babybel and apple
L=2 x fooddoctor pitta with qourn turkey stuffing,salsd and small NAKD bar
S2=2 x finn rye crispbreads with laughing cow cheese
D=1 x qourn chicken burger with granary roll,50g wholewheat pasta and pesto(strange combo i know but my OH has gone rugby and i didnt know what to eat)
S3=1 x treatsize galaxy

total cals=1507(i have gone over by 26 cals but its not the end of the world).
I am now on hald a pound weight loss which gives me 1485 cals.This is LOADS.I figured this weight loss rate is more realistic and i dont feel deprived.
I am back at work tomorrow for 6 days(BOOOOOOO).
Thankyou for everyone who sent me nice comments wishing me good luck for today,thanku so much, i really appreciated it.
P.s= I had hoped that the perv would give me a discount for looking at my breasts but no such thing!

Monday, September 07, 2009

Its my ...

...big day tomorrow.Im excited.I will post on here and let everyone know how it is going.I havent done much this weekend at all.I fasted for ramadan saturday and sunday, god it was hard work.I went for pt session today and was all shaky and had no energy.Its scary to think what a toll fasting has on my body.
last night, i went to my work colleagues wedding.It was so lovely and in a oak wedding barn.His wife looked fab in her £2000 dress. I felt fat and frumpy and will treat myself to something fashinable when i shake my weight off.
today i have not been fasting but i have been so dehydrated.i have ate:
B=Porridge,skimmed milk, plums
S1=1 x cauldron falafal
L=2 egg fritata with 30g wholewheat pasta and salad
S2=finn crisp with laughing cow cheese, 1 x weetabix bar
S3=Milkybar buttons and total with strawberries

total=1605 cals

I am not impressed with my 2 sugary snacks of the weetabix and milkybar buttons but i have been a bit shaky today after fasting at the not fasting tomorrow when i go for my nlp,there is no point trying to concentrate about my food issues if i am starving before i get there.Im off to bed now, im exhausted after doing nothing all day! im back to work on wednesday for 6 days(boooo).
looked at the nlps/hynotherapists practitioners website,he still looks a perv.I will be proper worried if after my session, i come to my senses and see that i have no clothes on!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Just looking at my blog and i have noticed it is all about food, bingeing and purging and not much else. There is nothing about friends,family,work,husband.This is due to the fact that having an ED has taken over my whole life for the last 10 years.Since i put my stone on, this has become worse.and worse
I have a lovely and supporting husband, a good family network and not many frinds (oh well)but a good job. I have so many positive things in my life.I hope whoever reads by blog is not bored by bingeing/purging talk. Read my blog back and its quite shocking.Im ready to change my life around and free myself.Roll on tuesday........
i am now off till wednesday.i didnt wake up till 10am, im so lazy.My eating hasnt beenood the last 2 days, i havent calorie counted and ave ate rubbish.Have i not calorie counted because:
1)when i go on tuesday for my NLP i am hoping for the miracle cure that will allow me to lose weight overweight?and up till then i can eat what i want
2)I took some advice from ED websites and not counted calories?
3)i have not weighed myself

eitherway i have ate loads.I am fasting for ramadan today and going to my mums to open my fast.I feel really fat, nearly totm and water retention doesnt help.Either way i will be calorie counting from tomorrow(bit hard to count with my mums cooking) and have drawn a line under the last 2 days.
the scales are still away and i wishing my days off away waiting for my NLP on tuesday.I have no plans for today except to laze in front of the fire and watch repeats of come die with me,going to have my eyebrows threaded at 6pm(ouch) and then my gym today cos im fasting.I wouldnt mind the no food fr the gym but its impossible without ater.I will post later when i have some food inside of me and i can think straight and no so grumpy!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

OMG! My chunky just got funky

Just looking at my blog and realised that its very pink and looks a bit tacky. I have looked on other peoples blogs and theirs look really professional.I will need to do some work on mine.Havent counted calories today but have ate a shop bought sandwich for lunch and some crisps. Normally i would binge after thinking sod it for the rest of the day but for some reason i havent.Maybe its cos I have my NLP session on tuesday,looked on his website again and he looks like a right old perv....hehehe. I am sure he is very professional though.
PMT has made me very grumpy today, I just want to thunp someone. My OH has just gone for nights and I only saw him for 20 mins when i came back from work. He bought me a Kit kat chunky caramel.It was lovely,272 calories. and I still havent binged. He is so lovely, Im very lucky.
Havent been the gym today as i had to work over(to earn money for my NLP sessions) but i have ate:

Porridge and skimmed milk
clemetine and baby bel
crusty baguette with cheese and tomato and walkers crisps,nakd bar(30g)
chicken stirfry with total yog and fruit
kit kat chunky and bagel with cashew butter

I havent tracked calories today so I will put them in wlr tomorrow. I am so tired and am to bed.Tomorrow is my last day at work and then I am off for 4 days until Wednesday. I work full time but work 6 days on and 4 days off.Its fab.I am going my work colleagues wedding on sunday.He has spent £25000, mad i know but i bet its worth it.
I have also realised that my spelling is awful and I dont put capitals where needed in my sentances, apoligies. I really do need to look after my blog more.
Night night

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

£125?! I could have bought a pair of shoes......

I didnt post yesterday or the day before I dont think. i have been really lazy. I started back at work after 6 days off and this takes up most of my time. I have decided to take the big step of NLP which stands for Neuro-linguistic programming(NLP)- I have heard a few people talking about it on wlr forums so have decided to take the plunge.Someone recommended me the company I have gone through, and I contacted the practitioner direct.It is ....wait for it..£125 per hour. Thats mad i know but i have figured £125 is nothing compared to how bingeing makes me feel(very miserable). I rang the practitioner yesterday and he spoke to me for 20 mins, he did most the talking but he said things to me that freaked me about about my bingeing/purging becasue it was so true. The funny thing is I looked on his own website and he looks like a right old perv! Anyway,I have booked in to see him on tuesday.Apparently clients only need 2 to 3 sessions of NLP before they are cured,fingers crossed.I dont think I could afford 4 sessions. I have told my OH who is very supportive and he is coming with me on tuesday.(awww bless). Food has been ok-ish today and i have been spinning today and aerobics yesterday. I really want my NLP to work. Its funny but i told the practitioner i had put on a stone in the last 2 years from my bingeing on food I dont enjoy and he said "yes you have!".
I really want to change.I have had the CBT and talking about my past which hasnt worked. I am 4 days away from changing my life.I really want it to work and be positive.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I forgot to mention

that i am also hiding the scales away for a few weeks. After doing some research into ED on the web apparenlty this is the first thing i should do.
If i dont lose weight or the scales dont say whay i wanted them to say i get really dishearteed.I need to move away from getting upset by what the numbers on the scale say. Even though i was controlled on my 2 days way on thurs and fri, i guess deep down i did get disheartened when the scales said i had put on a a pound on a half.I am convinced that this why i binged when i came home from nandos on saturday night.It must have been in the back of my mind.
Today i have decided not to fast.I did start but then broke my fast at 10am.This ramahdan business in hard work but i guess thats th idea of it.I spent the whole day lusting after porridge yesterday. I had no energy to do anything and spent the whole day lazing on the sofa. After being allowed to eat from 8.08pm last night i ate:
1 x apple
60g wholewheat pasta with quorn sauce and italian cheese with 2 pieces of lite garlic bread
1 treatsize galaxy and 0% total with pineapple and hald a meringue.

Total=761 cals

I got so bloated after eating, i couldnt even concentrate on the lush man who was heathcliffe in wuthering heights.

After breaking my fast today i ate:
B=porridge and options coconut mixed in,skimmed milk and a multiseed bagel with cashew nut butter

I am not sure what I will eat for the rest of the day.It will be within my calories though.

Again im so bloated, im sure its the effect of fasting for one day.I dont know how my ma is fasting for 30 days. I couldnt even manage the gym again today because i feel run down.Im back at work tomorrow so back at the gym,I have planned to go aerobics.
After reading posts on wlr, I have decided to go for some NLP sessions.I will speak to my OH when he comes back from work today(he is on double time).I have heard people rave about it.I just want to break this cycle for once and for all.CBT didnt work for me.I just wasnt ready for it.
I am doing not much today.Im still in my pyjamas! sad i know

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Im starving

because I have decided to fast for one day. I woke up at 4am just to drink water and then went back to sleep. I just want a cup of yorkshire tea.My OH is at work today so i need to keep myself busy. I cant eat or drink till 8.08pm! I need to do some food shopping but can see me going loopy so i have decided against it. I also had this silly idea to go to the gym but i cant drink water and think i would pass out.
Lastnight I went to Nandos with my sister and her kids.I ate a chicken burger and chips.When i got home i ate a magnum,6 yes malted milk chocolate biscuits,some cadburys wholenut and mini cheddar crinkleys. I wasnt hungry but ate all this whilst watching x factor on sky plus.I was shovelling it my mouth.I am annoyed at myself that i have paid no attention to yesterdays post.I have pledged that I will not binge for a week. I did log everything in wlr and am 1400 calories over for yesterday.I have a lot of hard work at the gym to do this week.
Going back to my hunger, I am craving an apple with a scraping of peanut butter. Think I am going to have to keep busy all day but i have no energy to do anything.7 Hours to go.............

Saturday, August 29, 2009

My 2 days away

I havent posted for days.Today was my weigh in. i have put on one pound a half.I am not panicking though as it was my birthday last week and i went away.
My lovely OH took me for a full spa day at It wa heaven, i had a full body massage,then a facial and lunch and then a pedicure. It was a suprise.I loved it.....He then arranged for us to stay at a fab boutique hotel called didsbury house. We stayed in a eclectic room which had a roll top bath in the bedroom! I watched come dine with me whilst soaking in the bath,heaven...........
In the evening we went to greens restuarant in didsbury,this is a veggie place that is owned by simon rimmer(he is the bald chef on that programme called something for the weekend on bbc2 on a sunday).the food was divine and the place was packed for a thurday night. After having a good nights sleep in the biggest bed in the world, we then went into manchester city centre for the day yesterday,had some lunch and came home.over the 2 days i ate:
B=porridge and skimmed milk
s=satsumas and babybel
l=lunch at spa, i had welsh rarebit but only ate half, i let my OH eat the free other course i was entitled to
D=dinner at greens, i ate 1 piece of granary bread with olive oil
starter= potted mushrooms, brioche and caramelised onions(i ate half)
main=crispy pancakes with leeks and cheese(i ate 3 quarters)
dessert=1 chocolate sponge pudding with chocolate sauce and ice cream,it was so lovely

B=1 veggie qourn sausage,2 tbs beans, 1 poached egg,1 granary bloomer slice of toast,1 field mushroom and potatop cake and oranage juice
L=flatbread with cheese, rocket,coleslaw and peppers and packet of kettle chips
s=2 rye bakes with laughing cow cheese
d=chips(!), mixed grill from takeaway that was lamb, chicken, shish, donner(love it)
followed by chocolate and amaretto tart and wholenut

I know my food over the last few days looks horrendous BUT on thursday the penny dropped.Normally due to my bingeing, I have always ate the healthiest option on the menu when i go out even though that wasnt what i wanted. As i have normally ate 1000s calories bingeing i have always restricted myself when i went out. It made me realise that if i didnt binge on food that i do not enjoy ONE BIT,i could eat the lovely food that i ate over the last 2 days without worrying.The last 2 days i have stayed in control of the food i was eating even though i wasnt calorie counting.i stopped eating when i was full,chewed slowly and put my knife and fork down after evey mouthful.
i know for most people the last 2 days would just be a short break away but for me it was a giant leap in the right direction.I dont know why its taken so long for the penny to drop about bingeing,durrrrrhhhhhhh!
I just hope i can keep it up.
Today, i havent been the gym, iv had a mammoth sleep of 12 hours and ate :
B=oatibix and skimmed milk and banana

I havent been the gym as i feel lethargic(its nearly my totm).

Im now on 1lb weight loss a week so back on 1200 cals a day

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

im so sleepy.......

this is only a short post as im off to bed. Im been starving again today. I think i must be the only person in the world who gets hungry after porridge one hour later. I eat every few hours at work but i deffo need to plan 6 smalls meals for tomorrow.
today i ate:
B=bran flakes and cherrios,skimmed milk.
S1=satsumas and babybel
S2=kallo rice cake and laughing cow cheese
L=wholewheat pasta, egg and salady things, 1 x apple
S3=Trek bar
S4=houmous and carrot
D=1 x cod in parsley sauce, with bns, carrots, green beans
S5=1 x fudge bar and 2 rice cakes with 5g of almond butter

I have 5 snacks in there.My aim is 3 for tomorrow with 3 main meals. I went to spinning today and earnt 435 calories(the gym was full of pervs again and they were hunting in packs) I have confused myself by looking at wlr re by polar f4 and background calories. I have sent them an email just to clarify the matter.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I hate mondays

it was my first day back at work today even though i works shifts(if that makes sense). I logged my food from my birthday yesterday in my food diary and i was over by 2500! oh well, it was my birthday. I had chips last night.I weighed them and they came to a whopping 1100 cals for 450g.They werent even that nice and greasy. I then changed my loss rate from 1 pound to half a pound for this week only.Its just to give me some ley way(not sure how i spelt that) for yesterday and for my birthday present treat this thursday. I will no doubt eat out on thursday so I need i few extra cals other than exercise for that.I am trying to see a WLR as part of a healthy lifestyle than a diet. I think iv got to expect that I will eat sometime but as long as i get back on track on friday then i should be ok.
One of my lovely male colleauges gave me some clarins body lotion today,its fab.His GF works on the counter.Its so lovely.I have marked a line on the bottle so my OH doesnt use it!
Today i have ate:
B=Porridge, Options coconut and skimmed milk
S=Satsumas x 2 and baby bel
L=Multigrain bagel with qourn turkey and ww lentil soup,2 rice cakes and laughing cow.
Pre Gym=Trek
D=tortellini and reduced fat pesto and boiled egg(!)
S=total, mini meringue,raspberries and bluberries
snack a jacks popcorn

Total cals=1519

I wanted a change from my pasta, egg salad lunch that i have on gym days so i had a bagel.It took up loads of calories.Live and learn
I did a cv session at they gym and earnt 415 calores.The gym was full of pervy men who hunt in packs.
Im off to bed now,its very early i know.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Happy Birthday to me......

Its my birthday today.Im 29(boo).Iv had a few awful presents from my Mother in law(thats so ungrateful i know) which i have returned already to M and S.Got mysef a voucher so will buy myself summat nice later. She bought me pot pourri amongst other things....
Im not calorie counting today but staying in control.Iv ate:
B=1 x linda mccartney sausage,1 egg,1 tbsp beans,quarter slice of bread and 1 oatcake with cheese(its a local delicasy)
L=Meal out. I ate 2 slices of multi seeded bread with olive oil.Risotto but only ate about 2tbsp and a small piece of banoffee cheesecake(so lush)

I have put the food in my food diary and am already -300 and i havent ate dinner yet.Im going to eat mini chips(!) and fishcake tonight.I will weigh everything and claw back the calories when i start back at the gym tomorrow.I then have thursday to go but have planned 5 sessions at the gym this week.
Im not even going to eat my own birthday cake.Its 350cals for one twelth.not worth it!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Weigh day again

I have weighed myself today as i said I would yesterday as i wanted a true refelction of my weight after eating my exercise calories and i am 8st 13lbs.I stayed the same from last week so that is a good sign. I will aim to eat half tfrom now on.However this week its my birthday and I am going away for the night so i need to bank as many calories as i can.
I have just come back from the gym and have done the other part of my weighs program.Again i have improved my weights again:
chest press from 12.5 to 15kg
dumb bell flye 5kg to 6kg
barbell shoulder press 7.5 to 10kg
tricep kickbacks(or whatever they are called) 4kg to 5kg
the rest remained the same.

I know its it little steps but steps on the right direction. I burnt 404 cals with some cv in there.Luckily the gym wasnt full of meatheads(by meatheads I mean the pervy men around the weights area that hunt in packs of 2 or 3!)
I have drawn a huge big line all over last night.I really need to sort out why i binge.I told my OH about the binge.He was v.sympathetic.I didnt tell him about the throwing up bit though.
Today i have ate:
B=Porridge with options coconut powder and skimmed milk
S=Mini Baby bel
L=2 egg omellate with feta and salad

I havent decided the rest of the day yet but it will definately be within my cals.I WILL notbinge tonight.My OH has gone rugby so I have the afternoon to myself.I going to have my eybrows threaded and see my mum.Threading is soooooo painful but my eyebrows look fab.
Today is the first day of Ramadhan.I havent fasted though.I talked it over with my pt and have decided not to fast.Despite the little blips iv had,this is the fisrt time in ages my eating habits are heading in the right direction.I worried by having no food and water all day that when it comes to the end of fasting that I will have a mega binge.I have decided to donate £2 per each fast i miss which is £60 to a charity.I am doing it to save myself.I feel really bad though as ramadhan is the only time in the year i am religious.
I CANT WAIT FOR THE X FACTOR! Im really excited, I love it.I hope it doesnt sound bigheaded but i get loads of people telling me I look like cheryl cole.Its a lovely compliment as she is beautiful.Unfortuantely I am not as slim as her(she is too thin) so i dont brag about it too much.
Anyway Im off to have my 2 egg omellate(i never spell that right).Its my birthday tomorrow(Im 29).I am having a day off calories counting as its allowed but am determined not to go mad.

Friday, August 21, 2009

oh dear...again.

i dont know why i did it.after dinner which came to 400 calories, i had the craving for a biscuit.I then had just one m and s chocolaty round.Sugar makes me crave more sugar.I then had a boost(i think i had it in my head from earlier on in the day), a skinny cow ice lolly.
30 mins later i had 2 packets of seabrook crisps with 2 slices of bread,1 magnum and another m and s biscuit
all this disgusting food came to 1442 cals. I am so annoyed at make it worse i then threw all of it up.I am so angry at myself and disappointed. I thought i did really well earlier by not bingeing after the fudge bar.
the worse thing is that when i have just checked my blog, 2 lovely people, caroline and rachel have left me a comment on how well i did not going mad after the fudge. Im sure if i had seen this earlier i wouldnt have binged. I do not know what triggered it off, my OH is at work tonight, i dont know if it was boredom.I knew what i was doing but couldnt stop myself,its like going into zombie mode.
The annoying thing is thaat i go to the gym loads however i do know its 90% nutrition and 10% exercise. By bingeing, im wasting all the hard work i put in at the gym.
I HATE THE FOOD I BINGE ON. I dont like it, I dont enjoy it,its full of s%^t. I really wanted to have a good few days before my birthday on sunday and my night away on thursday. I need to burn lots of calories in the gym in the meantime.
my only saving grace is that i have ate nowwhere as many calories that i normally do for a binge.1400 calories is more than my daily allowance.
_________________________________________________________________________my line
is drawn.I am back on track from NOW. I am determined to break this cycle of bingeing and being disgusted by myself. I will become lean.The only barrier to this is me.

*******apoligies if the above post is to much info***********************

weigh day

i weighed myself today and i have put one 1lb and a quarter. this is the first week that i have ate my exercise cals. however i did eat about 8pm last night and ate heavy veg. i have convined myself that the extra weight is down to the food travelling. i hope so. i have stayed within my cals and exercise cals and only had one blip which was the torte incident. i only ate 400 cals over.
i have decided to weigh myself tomorrow just to get a more accurate reading.

today i have ate:
B=porridge, skimmed milk,coconut options again
S1=2 x satsuma and babybel
S2= 2 x rice cake and laughing cow
L=30g wholewheat pasta,1 egg, salad with feta and quorn strips
S=fudge and 1 apple
D=NOT sure, have loads in the freezer but something for 400 cals

no exercise today,have been the gym 4 times this week and need to rest.

i ate a fudge in the afternoon work mate bought it for me.he wanted to buy me a boost(a whopping 303 cals) but i opted for the fudge.its the first time in ages that i have ate chocolate in the daytime and the first time in ages that eating chocoate or something that i see as unhealthy hasnt triggered a binge.many times i have ate so called treat food in the day and then this has triggered a binge cos i would then eat lots of s$%T food for the rest of the day.and when i say a binge, i mean 1000s of proud of myself........ I even added the fudge to my food diary.
i really dont know how i would survive without the forum on wlr.they are so helpful.even when i want to snack in the evenings, i start to look through the forums, by the time i have finished reading thecravings have gone.
i did post yesterday on my blog but it never saved.
before i go, some lovely man has sent me a personal message on wlr saying that he thought i looked perfect. it was really nice.(im sure that he hasnt seen the pictures on my blog). I think he saw the pics of me at 8stone on my wlr profile page,eitherway its still very kind of him

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Im really pleased.....

because i was able to lift higher weights at the gym today.I have only been doing my weights program for the last 3 weeks.I had a 10 day break last week cos i was ill. i went back to gym today and improved on the following:

lat pull down from 22.5kg to 30kg
seated row from 30kg to 37.5kg
straight arm pulldown from 20kg to 25kg
barbell curls from 10kg to 12.5kg
hammer curls from 6kg to 7kg

I know they are only little improvements but a step in the right direction. I burnt 391 cals at the gym today. I am still worried about jumping on the scales on friday cos of eating my exercise cals. today i have ate:
B=porridge,skimmed milk and scoop of options carribean coconut!
post gym snack= babybel and apple
L=2 food doctor pittas with qourn stuffing and salad, 2g Green and blacks 85% choc
s=1 x scottish oatcakes with almond butter and 2 rice cakes and cottage cheese
D=homemade chick pea curry with brown rice.

total :1310 (if i am brave enough i may eat the remainder of my exercise cals in fruit)

I am glad i drew a line under the torte incident from lastnight.It so wasnt worth it.Im glad now i can recognise my abnormal behaviour.
whilst coming from the gym today, the local weight watchers class was kicking out.Im so glad i have managed to let go.I went for ages on and off and was on 17 points a day(not a lot). I ended up buying ww branded food that is full of s%^&t and spending loads.I think it was good for bigger people if that what works for them but for someone like me who had an ED it made be super obsessed about points values. By counting calories, I can be normal and fuel my body with the right food.
I have been reading alot about whey protein on wlr.I may buy some.I am not sure what it does but I have not that a lots of people put it in thier porridge.I think this maybe be a better idea than the options caribean coconut i put in my porridge this morning.I am also going to do some more research to see if it helps me with my new weight training regime.
Its my birthday on sunday and i am going to, its lovely and full of wags.I dont think i will calorie count on sunday but wont go mad either.My OH is taking me for a spa day next thurs so that is another day of no calorie counting.I am determined not to lose control and to binge on everything in sight for those 2 particular days.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

oh dear......

I have just ate one sixth of a chocolate torte(299 cals) and a pack of milkyway buttons treatsize.and then threw them up.I dont know why i did it.I dont know if it has summat to do with me being hungry all day.Im annoyed at myself.My only saving grace is the fact that this is nowehere near the amount of food that i normally binge on.Normally after i binge and be sick, i normally start again and do the same thing over and over i have stopped after the first time.I have logged my cals in wlr and i have overeaten today by 421 cals(this includes the 60 cals i was worrying about earlier)
421 in comparison to 1000s calories binge is good but im annoyed at myself
________________________________________________________my line is drawn.

I am not sure what triggered it,i dont know if its boredom, or the stress of eating my exercise cals or the worry of going over by just 60 cals over.silly as it sounds even something this trivial will start off a binge.
i have just looked at my photos,its bingeing on food like milkyway buttons and torte that made me put on weight.i dont even enjoy the food that made me put weight on in the first place.
going to have a cup of yorkshire tea and go to bed,my OH will be back soon from rugby training.sorry if this post have too much information for some readers!

Over eaten by 60 calories.......

Woke up this morning feeling sore in the legs from yesterdays session at the gym.I still managed to go to circuits and burnt 348 calories. I was all sweaty and manky(which is a good sign)
I then went for a manicure.I havent had a manicure for ages.I have decided to treat myself with non food items for a change.I also bought a pair of skinny jeans from new look.I have always wanted a pair but have never bought any cos i was waiting until i lose weight.They dont fit great BUT i will use these as my benchmark and aim to slip into these when i am leaner.
Havent booked my holiday yet, i couldnt spend too much time out of the new house today as my new iphone was being delivered.I cracked the screen a few days ago so had to have a new one.I will definately book my holiday tomorrow.
Today i have been so hungry.I dont know why.I have ate all my exercise cals and gone 60 over! i know i should eat at least half my exercise cals but this is the first week i have done really worried about getting on the scales on friday.Its really strange that im bothered about eating the extra 300 cals i earn through exercise as when i was having a bad episode of binging, i could eat 1000s calories over in the space of 30 mins!
today i have ate:
B=2 x oatibix,skimmed milk and bluberries
L=2 egg mushroom omellate with feta light, salad and a peach,1 x quorn savoury egg
S=2 x kallo cakes,laughing cow cheese
S=Babybel Light
D=50g wholegrain rice and chicken curry
S=Tesco meringue,0%total(im obsessed with it) berries and 13g m and S dark choc

god it looks like loadsa food. total cals 1549 (went over by 60)

Im am being more positive about my weight loss. I know that my body doesnt want let go,it probably doesnt know what its like to eat normal.I am trying to eat every 3 hours so i dont get hungry(thats when i binge).

I hope i havent put weight on by eating my exercise scared

Monday, August 17, 2009

All excited.......

I have just come back from the travel agents...I havent booked it yet but will book it the first chance i get tomorrow.I am looking at going bangkok for 3nts then phuket for 11nts and dubai for 4 nights in april next year.Im so excited and have been typing away in trip advisor frantically.A luxorious holiday is the only reward to myself for working full time.Went dubai and maldives last year and loved it.
Went to see my pt today and told her i no longer want to get to that figure of 8st in my head but just want get lean.She told me bring in a picture of someone i want to be like.i will take a pic from my womens fitness mag as they are real women and not airbrushed celebrities.
I did all one legged stuff with her today,squats and lunges and some cv.I burnt 371 cals according to my hrm.
I am trying to rid my diet of processed rubbish and so far have ate:
B=2 x oatibix with skimmed milk,banana and blueberries
S=Babybel light and 1 satsuma
L=2 fooddoctor pittas(i discovered these in tesco today) with qourn deli stuffing and salad
S=2 x kallo organic rice cakes and laughing cow cheese
D=salmon with harissa,carrots, brocolli,mage tout and corn on cob


looking at my diet, i am sure i can ditch the rice cakes and qourn stuff to clean it up.Im trying to eat every 3 hours(so i dont starve and then binge).I also need to eat my exercise cals today.I am really scared of eating them cos i think i will put on weight but i know I NEED to eat them.I will aim to eat 100 cals as a starter for today.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Rather unflattering photos.......

I have posted some rather unflattering pictures of myself today(apoligies for all the mess in the background, i was sorting my old clothes out). I took my pictures after lunch.I got my OH to take the photos.He has been really supportive of all the things i do when it comes to weight loss.He has done points with me when i was doing weight watchers,drank juice with me when i did a juicing diet.
Looking at the pictures when me realise what all the binging has done.I dont even enjoy the food i binge on,its all processed rubbish that full of fat.
i havent been the gym today,its my first day off from work until i return to work on thursday. I just wanted to sleep. However seeing my pt tomorrow who knows all about my previous bingeing.I didnt tell her for about 6 weeks at first but then i decided to tell her otherwise it was pointless wasting £40 per time on her.
I am within my calories and have ate:
B=All bran, Cheerios and banana with 100 skimmed milk
L=W/M Pitta with a linda mccartney vegeburger and salad.1 x Peach
S=1 X qourn savoury egg
D=Chicken with brocolli and carrots and spray oil roast poatoes and one mini aunt bessie yourkshire pudding(well it is sunday)

I am on 1200 cals a day with wlr so I will have a approx 150 cals left for fruit and greek yoghurt.I have started today to research wlr about clean eating.Im really interested in it and may try and start it this week.
P.s - I have now put my jar of almond butter on the top shelf.this will stop me sticking my finger in every time i walk past.
After looking at the pictures, i cant wait to see my body shape change

Saturday, August 15, 2009

My first post ever........

This is officially the first post of my blog. I am a 28 year old female at 4 foot eleven and a half who wants to lose weight but more importantly I want to change my body shape.
A little history about me....I was very chubby as a child but when i went to university i lost it all after a bullying episode at college.
I then became very thin, it was bulimia but I cannot recall the first time it started. A few years later my father passed away and i started to out on weight. This continued until Im now at my heaviest of 9st.Over the years my eating disorder has changed and I seemed to edge towards a binge eating disorder.I would eat healthy all day, have a little slip up eg,ordering toast at the works canteen and them accidently adding butter to my toast........disaster. I would then binge for the rest of the day eating 1000s of calories and then throwing up and so on. I binged on food that i would avoid at all cost in the day, biscuits, ice cream, crisps, chocolate
I started CBT but I wasnt ready to change, until now.........
Im fed up with being obsessive aboout food. I want to think about food at breakfast, lunch and dinner.i joined weight loss resources a few months ago and have become a member of the squiggly line club.I have lost 5lb in total but most have all my eating is under control.
My aim is to be honest to myself and gain my self worth. I want to change my body shape and lose weight but this is proving to be hard after years of bingeing. I think my body is clinging on to all the food Im eating. I know it will take a while for my body to catch up and start changing.
I work out at the gym 5 times a week(always have done but was bingeing).I started a weight programs last week that my pt gave me to do twice a week so along with cardio sessions I cant wait to see myself change.
For years i have clung onto a figure of 8 stone is where I want to be but now I just want to be lean and dont care what the scales day.
Even if no one follows my blog, writing it all down and being honest with myself will do me the world of good.
Thankyou for reading my first post. I will post some "before" pictures tomorrow.