Monday, August 31, 2009

I forgot to mention

that i am also hiding the scales away for a few weeks. After doing some research into ED on the web apparenlty this is the first thing i should do.
If i dont lose weight or the scales dont say whay i wanted them to say i get really dishearteed.I need to move away from getting upset by what the numbers on the scale say. Even though i was controlled on my 2 days way on thurs and fri, i guess deep down i did get disheartened when the scales said i had put on a a pound on a half.I am convinced that this why i binged when i came home from nandos on saturday night.It must have been in the back of my mind.
Today i have decided not to fast.I did start but then broke my fast at 10am.This ramahdan business in hard work but i guess thats th idea of it.I spent the whole day lusting after porridge yesterday. I had no energy to do anything and spent the whole day lazing on the sofa. After being allowed to eat from 8.08pm last night i ate:
1 x apple
60g wholewheat pasta with quorn sauce and italian cheese with 2 pieces of lite garlic bread
1 treatsize galaxy and 0% total with pineapple and hald a meringue.

Total=761 cals

I got so bloated after eating, i couldnt even concentrate on the lush man who was heathcliffe in wuthering heights.

After breaking my fast today i ate:
B=porridge and options coconut mixed in,skimmed milk and a multiseed bagel with cashew nut butter

I am not sure what I will eat for the rest of the day.It will be within my calories though.

Again im so bloated, im sure its the effect of fasting for one day.I dont know how my ma is fasting for 30 days. I couldnt even manage the gym again today because i feel run down.Im back at work tomorrow so back at the gym,I have planned to go aerobics.
After reading posts on wlr, I have decided to go for some NLP sessions.I will speak to my OH when he comes back from work today(he is on double time).I have heard people rave about it.I just want to break this cycle for once and for all.CBT didnt work for me.I just wasnt ready for it.
I am doing not much today.Im still in my pyjamas! sad i know

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Im starving

because I have decided to fast for one day. I woke up at 4am just to drink water and then went back to sleep. I just want a cup of yorkshire tea.My OH is at work today so i need to keep myself busy. I cant eat or drink till 8.08pm! I need to do some food shopping but can see me going loopy so i have decided against it. I also had this silly idea to go to the gym but i cant drink water and think i would pass out.
Lastnight I went to Nandos with my sister and her kids.I ate a chicken burger and chips.When i got home i ate a magnum,6 yes malted milk chocolate biscuits,some cadburys wholenut and mini cheddar crinkleys. I wasnt hungry but ate all this whilst watching x factor on sky plus.I was shovelling it my mouth.I am annoyed at myself that i have paid no attention to yesterdays post.I have pledged that I will not binge for a week. I did log everything in wlr and am 1400 calories over for yesterday.I have a lot of hard work at the gym to do this week.
Going back to my hunger, I am craving an apple with a scraping of peanut butter. Think I am going to have to keep busy all day but i have no energy to do anything.7 Hours to go.............

Saturday, August 29, 2009

My 2 days away

I havent posted for days.Today was my weigh in. i have put on one pound a half.I am not panicking though as it was my birthday last week and i went away.
My lovely OH took me for a full spa day at It wa heaven, i had a full body massage,then a facial and lunch and then a pedicure. It was a suprise.I loved it.....He then arranged for us to stay at a fab boutique hotel called didsbury house. We stayed in a eclectic room which had a roll top bath in the bedroom! I watched come dine with me whilst soaking in the bath,heaven...........
In the evening we went to greens restuarant in didsbury,this is a veggie place that is owned by simon rimmer(he is the bald chef on that programme called something for the weekend on bbc2 on a sunday).the food was divine and the place was packed for a thurday night. After having a good nights sleep in the biggest bed in the world, we then went into manchester city centre for the day yesterday,had some lunch and came home.over the 2 days i ate:
B=porridge and skimmed milk
s=satsumas and babybel
l=lunch at spa, i had welsh rarebit but only ate half, i let my OH eat the free other course i was entitled to
D=dinner at greens, i ate 1 piece of granary bread with olive oil
starter= potted mushrooms, brioche and caramelised onions(i ate half)
main=crispy pancakes with leeks and cheese(i ate 3 quarters)
dessert=1 chocolate sponge pudding with chocolate sauce and ice cream,it was so lovely

B=1 veggie qourn sausage,2 tbs beans, 1 poached egg,1 granary bloomer slice of toast,1 field mushroom and potatop cake and oranage juice
L=flatbread with cheese, rocket,coleslaw and peppers and packet of kettle chips
s=2 rye bakes with laughing cow cheese
d=chips(!), mixed grill from takeaway that was lamb, chicken, shish, donner(love it)
followed by chocolate and amaretto tart and wholenut

I know my food over the last few days looks horrendous BUT on thursday the penny dropped.Normally due to my bingeing, I have always ate the healthiest option on the menu when i go out even though that wasnt what i wanted. As i have normally ate 1000s calories bingeing i have always restricted myself when i went out. It made me realise that if i didnt binge on food that i do not enjoy ONE BIT,i could eat the lovely food that i ate over the last 2 days without worrying.The last 2 days i have stayed in control of the food i was eating even though i wasnt calorie counting.i stopped eating when i was full,chewed slowly and put my knife and fork down after evey mouthful.
i know for most people the last 2 days would just be a short break away but for me it was a giant leap in the right direction.I dont know why its taken so long for the penny to drop about bingeing,durrrrrhhhhhhh!
I just hope i can keep it up.
Today, i havent been the gym, iv had a mammoth sleep of 12 hours and ate :
B=oatibix and skimmed milk and banana

I havent been the gym as i feel lethargic(its nearly my totm).

Im now on 1lb weight loss a week so back on 1200 cals a day

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

im so sleepy.......

this is only a short post as im off to bed. Im been starving again today. I think i must be the only person in the world who gets hungry after porridge one hour later. I eat every few hours at work but i deffo need to plan 6 smalls meals for tomorrow.
today i ate:
B=bran flakes and cherrios,skimmed milk.
S1=satsumas and babybel
S2=kallo rice cake and laughing cow cheese
L=wholewheat pasta, egg and salady things, 1 x apple
S3=Trek bar
S4=houmous and carrot
D=1 x cod in parsley sauce, with bns, carrots, green beans
S5=1 x fudge bar and 2 rice cakes with 5g of almond butter

I have 5 snacks in there.My aim is 3 for tomorrow with 3 main meals. I went to spinning today and earnt 435 calories(the gym was full of pervs again and they were hunting in packs) I have confused myself by looking at wlr re by polar f4 and background calories. I have sent them an email just to clarify the matter.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I hate mondays

it was my first day back at work today even though i works shifts(if that makes sense). I logged my food from my birthday yesterday in my food diary and i was over by 2500! oh well, it was my birthday. I had chips last night.I weighed them and they came to a whopping 1100 cals for 450g.They werent even that nice and greasy. I then changed my loss rate from 1 pound to half a pound for this week only.Its just to give me some ley way(not sure how i spelt that) for yesterday and for my birthday present treat this thursday. I will no doubt eat out on thursday so I need i few extra cals other than exercise for that.I am trying to see a WLR as part of a healthy lifestyle than a diet. I think iv got to expect that I will eat sometime but as long as i get back on track on friday then i should be ok.
One of my lovely male colleauges gave me some clarins body lotion today,its fab.His GF works on the counter.Its so lovely.I have marked a line on the bottle so my OH doesnt use it!
Today i have ate:
B=Porridge, Options coconut and skimmed milk
S=Satsumas x 2 and baby bel
L=Multigrain bagel with qourn turkey and ww lentil soup,2 rice cakes and laughing cow.
Pre Gym=Trek
D=tortellini and reduced fat pesto and boiled egg(!)
S=total, mini meringue,raspberries and bluberries
snack a jacks popcorn

Total cals=1519

I wanted a change from my pasta, egg salad lunch that i have on gym days so i had a bagel.It took up loads of calories.Live and learn
I did a cv session at they gym and earnt 415 calores.The gym was full of pervy men who hunt in packs.
Im off to bed now,its very early i know.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Happy Birthday to me......

Its my birthday today.Im 29(boo).Iv had a few awful presents from my Mother in law(thats so ungrateful i know) which i have returned already to M and S.Got mysef a voucher so will buy myself summat nice later. She bought me pot pourri amongst other things....
Im not calorie counting today but staying in control.Iv ate:
B=1 x linda mccartney sausage,1 egg,1 tbsp beans,quarter slice of bread and 1 oatcake with cheese(its a local delicasy)
L=Meal out. I ate 2 slices of multi seeded bread with olive oil.Risotto but only ate about 2tbsp and a small piece of banoffee cheesecake(so lush)

I have put the food in my food diary and am already -300 and i havent ate dinner yet.Im going to eat mini chips(!) and fishcake tonight.I will weigh everything and claw back the calories when i start back at the gym tomorrow.I then have thursday to go but have planned 5 sessions at the gym this week.
Im not even going to eat my own birthday cake.Its 350cals for one twelth.not worth it!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Weigh day again

I have weighed myself today as i said I would yesterday as i wanted a true refelction of my weight after eating my exercise calories and i am 8st 13lbs.I stayed the same from last week so that is a good sign. I will aim to eat half tfrom now on.However this week its my birthday and I am going away for the night so i need to bank as many calories as i can.
I have just come back from the gym and have done the other part of my weighs program.Again i have improved my weights again:
chest press from 12.5 to 15kg
dumb bell flye 5kg to 6kg
barbell shoulder press 7.5 to 10kg
tricep kickbacks(or whatever they are called) 4kg to 5kg
the rest remained the same.

I know its it little steps but steps on the right direction. I burnt 404 cals with some cv in there.Luckily the gym wasnt full of meatheads(by meatheads I mean the pervy men around the weights area that hunt in packs of 2 or 3!)
I have drawn a huge big line all over last night.I really need to sort out why i binge.I told my OH about the binge.He was v.sympathetic.I didnt tell him about the throwing up bit though.
Today i have ate:
B=Porridge with options coconut powder and skimmed milk
S=Mini Baby bel
L=2 egg omellate with feta and salad

I havent decided the rest of the day yet but it will definately be within my cals.I WILL notbinge tonight.My OH has gone rugby so I have the afternoon to myself.I going to have my eybrows threaded and see my mum.Threading is soooooo painful but my eyebrows look fab.
Today is the first day of Ramadhan.I havent fasted though.I talked it over with my pt and have decided not to fast.Despite the little blips iv had,this is the fisrt time in ages my eating habits are heading in the right direction.I worried by having no food and water all day that when it comes to the end of fasting that I will have a mega binge.I have decided to donate £2 per each fast i miss which is £60 to a charity.I am doing it to save myself.I feel really bad though as ramadhan is the only time in the year i am religious.
I CANT WAIT FOR THE X FACTOR! Im really excited, I love it.I hope it doesnt sound bigheaded but i get loads of people telling me I look like cheryl cole.Its a lovely compliment as she is beautiful.Unfortuantely I am not as slim as her(she is too thin) so i dont brag about it too much.
Anyway Im off to have my 2 egg omellate(i never spell that right).Its my birthday tomorrow(Im 29).I am having a day off calories counting as its allowed but am determined not to go mad.

Friday, August 21, 2009

oh dear...again.

i dont know why i did it.after dinner which came to 400 calories, i had the craving for a biscuit.I then had just one m and s chocolaty round.Sugar makes me crave more sugar.I then had a boost(i think i had it in my head from earlier on in the day), a skinny cow ice lolly.
30 mins later i had 2 packets of seabrook crisps with 2 slices of bread,1 magnum and another m and s biscuit
all this disgusting food came to 1442 cals. I am so annoyed at make it worse i then threw all of it up.I am so angry at myself and disappointed. I thought i did really well earlier by not bingeing after the fudge bar.
the worse thing is that when i have just checked my blog, 2 lovely people, caroline and rachel have left me a comment on how well i did not going mad after the fudge. Im sure if i had seen this earlier i wouldnt have binged. I do not know what triggered it off, my OH is at work tonight, i dont know if it was boredom.I knew what i was doing but couldnt stop myself,its like going into zombie mode.
The annoying thing is thaat i go to the gym loads however i do know its 90% nutrition and 10% exercise. By bingeing, im wasting all the hard work i put in at the gym.
I HATE THE FOOD I BINGE ON. I dont like it, I dont enjoy it,its full of s%^t. I really wanted to have a good few days before my birthday on sunday and my night away on thursday. I need to burn lots of calories in the gym in the meantime.
my only saving grace is that i have ate nowwhere as many calories that i normally do for a binge.1400 calories is more than my daily allowance.
_________________________________________________________________________my line
is drawn.I am back on track from NOW. I am determined to break this cycle of bingeing and being disgusted by myself. I will become lean.The only barrier to this is me.

*******apoligies if the above post is to much info***********************

weigh day

i weighed myself today and i have put one 1lb and a quarter. this is the first week that i have ate my exercise cals. however i did eat about 8pm last night and ate heavy veg. i have convined myself that the extra weight is down to the food travelling. i hope so. i have stayed within my cals and exercise cals and only had one blip which was the torte incident. i only ate 400 cals over.
i have decided to weigh myself tomorrow just to get a more accurate reading.

today i have ate:
B=porridge, skimmed milk,coconut options again
S1=2 x satsuma and babybel
S2= 2 x rice cake and laughing cow
L=30g wholewheat pasta,1 egg, salad with feta and quorn strips
S=fudge and 1 apple
D=NOT sure, have loads in the freezer but something for 400 cals

no exercise today,have been the gym 4 times this week and need to rest.

i ate a fudge in the afternoon work mate bought it for me.he wanted to buy me a boost(a whopping 303 cals) but i opted for the fudge.its the first time in ages that i have ate chocolate in the daytime and the first time in ages that eating chocoate or something that i see as unhealthy hasnt triggered a binge.many times i have ate so called treat food in the day and then this has triggered a binge cos i would then eat lots of s$%T food for the rest of the day.and when i say a binge, i mean 1000s of proud of myself........ I even added the fudge to my food diary.
i really dont know how i would survive without the forum on wlr.they are so helpful.even when i want to snack in the evenings, i start to look through the forums, by the time i have finished reading thecravings have gone.
i did post yesterday on my blog but it never saved.
before i go, some lovely man has sent me a personal message on wlr saying that he thought i looked perfect. it was really nice.(im sure that he hasnt seen the pictures on my blog). I think he saw the pics of me at 8stone on my wlr profile page,eitherway its still very kind of him

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Im really pleased.....

because i was able to lift higher weights at the gym today.I have only been doing my weights program for the last 3 weeks.I had a 10 day break last week cos i was ill. i went back to gym today and improved on the following:

lat pull down from 22.5kg to 30kg
seated row from 30kg to 37.5kg
straight arm pulldown from 20kg to 25kg
barbell curls from 10kg to 12.5kg
hammer curls from 6kg to 7kg

I know they are only little improvements but a step in the right direction. I burnt 391 cals at the gym today. I am still worried about jumping on the scales on friday cos of eating my exercise cals. today i have ate:
B=porridge,skimmed milk and scoop of options carribean coconut!
post gym snack= babybel and apple
L=2 food doctor pittas with qourn stuffing and salad, 2g Green and blacks 85% choc
s=1 x scottish oatcakes with almond butter and 2 rice cakes and cottage cheese
D=homemade chick pea curry with brown rice.

total :1310 (if i am brave enough i may eat the remainder of my exercise cals in fruit)

I am glad i drew a line under the torte incident from lastnight.It so wasnt worth it.Im glad now i can recognise my abnormal behaviour.
whilst coming from the gym today, the local weight watchers class was kicking out.Im so glad i have managed to let go.I went for ages on and off and was on 17 points a day(not a lot). I ended up buying ww branded food that is full of s%^&t and spending loads.I think it was good for bigger people if that what works for them but for someone like me who had an ED it made be super obsessed about points values. By counting calories, I can be normal and fuel my body with the right food.
I have been reading alot about whey protein on wlr.I may buy some.I am not sure what it does but I have not that a lots of people put it in thier porridge.I think this maybe be a better idea than the options caribean coconut i put in my porridge this morning.I am also going to do some more research to see if it helps me with my new weight training regime.
Its my birthday on sunday and i am going to, its lovely and full of wags.I dont think i will calorie count on sunday but wont go mad either.My OH is taking me for a spa day next thurs so that is another day of no calorie counting.I am determined not to lose control and to binge on everything in sight for those 2 particular days.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

oh dear......

I have just ate one sixth of a chocolate torte(299 cals) and a pack of milkyway buttons treatsize.and then threw them up.I dont know why i did it.I dont know if it has summat to do with me being hungry all day.Im annoyed at myself.My only saving grace is the fact that this is nowehere near the amount of food that i normally binge on.Normally after i binge and be sick, i normally start again and do the same thing over and over i have stopped after the first time.I have logged my cals in wlr and i have overeaten today by 421 cals(this includes the 60 cals i was worrying about earlier)
421 in comparison to 1000s calories binge is good but im annoyed at myself
________________________________________________________my line is drawn.

I am not sure what triggered it,i dont know if its boredom, or the stress of eating my exercise cals or the worry of going over by just 60 cals over.silly as it sounds even something this trivial will start off a binge.
i have just looked at my photos,its bingeing on food like milkyway buttons and torte that made me put on weight.i dont even enjoy the food that made me put weight on in the first place.
going to have a cup of yorkshire tea and go to bed,my OH will be back soon from rugby training.sorry if this post have too much information for some readers!

Over eaten by 60 calories.......

Woke up this morning feeling sore in the legs from yesterdays session at the gym.I still managed to go to circuits and burnt 348 calories. I was all sweaty and manky(which is a good sign)
I then went for a manicure.I havent had a manicure for ages.I have decided to treat myself with non food items for a change.I also bought a pair of skinny jeans from new look.I have always wanted a pair but have never bought any cos i was waiting until i lose weight.They dont fit great BUT i will use these as my benchmark and aim to slip into these when i am leaner.
Havent booked my holiday yet, i couldnt spend too much time out of the new house today as my new iphone was being delivered.I cracked the screen a few days ago so had to have a new one.I will definately book my holiday tomorrow.
Today i have been so hungry.I dont know why.I have ate all my exercise cals and gone 60 over! i know i should eat at least half my exercise cals but this is the first week i have done really worried about getting on the scales on friday.Its really strange that im bothered about eating the extra 300 cals i earn through exercise as when i was having a bad episode of binging, i could eat 1000s calories over in the space of 30 mins!
today i have ate:
B=2 x oatibix,skimmed milk and bluberries
L=2 egg mushroom omellate with feta light, salad and a peach,1 x quorn savoury egg
S=2 x kallo cakes,laughing cow cheese
S=Babybel Light
D=50g wholegrain rice and chicken curry
S=Tesco meringue,0%total(im obsessed with it) berries and 13g m and S dark choc

god it looks like loadsa food. total cals 1549 (went over by 60)

Im am being more positive about my weight loss. I know that my body doesnt want let go,it probably doesnt know what its like to eat normal.I am trying to eat every 3 hours so i dont get hungry(thats when i binge).

I hope i havent put weight on by eating my exercise scared

Monday, August 17, 2009

All excited.......

I have just come back from the travel agents...I havent booked it yet but will book it the first chance i get tomorrow.I am looking at going bangkok for 3nts then phuket for 11nts and dubai for 4 nights in april next year.Im so excited and have been typing away in trip advisor frantically.A luxorious holiday is the only reward to myself for working full time.Went dubai and maldives last year and loved it.
Went to see my pt today and told her i no longer want to get to that figure of 8st in my head but just want get lean.She told me bring in a picture of someone i want to be like.i will take a pic from my womens fitness mag as they are real women and not airbrushed celebrities.
I did all one legged stuff with her today,squats and lunges and some cv.I burnt 371 cals according to my hrm.
I am trying to rid my diet of processed rubbish and so far have ate:
B=2 x oatibix with skimmed milk,banana and blueberries
S=Babybel light and 1 satsuma
L=2 fooddoctor pittas(i discovered these in tesco today) with qourn deli stuffing and salad
S=2 x kallo organic rice cakes and laughing cow cheese
D=salmon with harissa,carrots, brocolli,mage tout and corn on cob


looking at my diet, i am sure i can ditch the rice cakes and qourn stuff to clean it up.Im trying to eat every 3 hours(so i dont starve and then binge).I also need to eat my exercise cals today.I am really scared of eating them cos i think i will put on weight but i know I NEED to eat them.I will aim to eat 100 cals as a starter for today.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Rather unflattering photos.......

I have posted some rather unflattering pictures of myself today(apoligies for all the mess in the background, i was sorting my old clothes out). I took my pictures after lunch.I got my OH to take the photos.He has been really supportive of all the things i do when it comes to weight loss.He has done points with me when i was doing weight watchers,drank juice with me when i did a juicing diet.
Looking at the pictures when me realise what all the binging has done.I dont even enjoy the food i binge on,its all processed rubbish that full of fat.
i havent been the gym today,its my first day off from work until i return to work on thursday. I just wanted to sleep. However seeing my pt tomorrow who knows all about my previous bingeing.I didnt tell her for about 6 weeks at first but then i decided to tell her otherwise it was pointless wasting £40 per time on her.
I am within my calories and have ate:
B=All bran, Cheerios and banana with 100 skimmed milk
L=W/M Pitta with a linda mccartney vegeburger and salad.1 x Peach
S=1 X qourn savoury egg
D=Chicken with brocolli and carrots and spray oil roast poatoes and one mini aunt bessie yourkshire pudding(well it is sunday)

I am on 1200 cals a day with wlr so I will have a approx 150 cals left for fruit and greek yoghurt.I have started today to research wlr about clean eating.Im really interested in it and may try and start it this week.
P.s - I have now put my jar of almond butter on the top shelf.this will stop me sticking my finger in every time i walk past.
After looking at the pictures, i cant wait to see my body shape change

Saturday, August 15, 2009

My first post ever........

This is officially the first post of my blog. I am a 28 year old female at 4 foot eleven and a half who wants to lose weight but more importantly I want to change my body shape.
A little history about me....I was very chubby as a child but when i went to university i lost it all after a bullying episode at college.
I then became very thin, it was bulimia but I cannot recall the first time it started. A few years later my father passed away and i started to out on weight. This continued until Im now at my heaviest of 9st.Over the years my eating disorder has changed and I seemed to edge towards a binge eating disorder.I would eat healthy all day, have a little slip up eg,ordering toast at the works canteen and them accidently adding butter to my toast........disaster. I would then binge for the rest of the day eating 1000s of calories and then throwing up and so on. I binged on food that i would avoid at all cost in the day, biscuits, ice cream, crisps, chocolate
I started CBT but I wasnt ready to change, until now.........
Im fed up with being obsessive aboout food. I want to think about food at breakfast, lunch and dinner.i joined weight loss resources a few months ago and have become a member of the squiggly line club.I have lost 5lb in total but most have all my eating is under control.
My aim is to be honest to myself and gain my self worth. I want to change my body shape and lose weight but this is proving to be hard after years of bingeing. I think my body is clinging on to all the food Im eating. I know it will take a while for my body to catch up and start changing.
I work out at the gym 5 times a week(always have done but was bingeing).I started a weight programs last week that my pt gave me to do twice a week so along with cardio sessions I cant wait to see myself change.
For years i have clung onto a figure of 8 stone is where I want to be but now I just want to be lean and dont care what the scales day.
Even if no one follows my blog, writing it all down and being honest with myself will do me the world of good.
Thankyou for reading my first post. I will post some "before" pictures tomorrow.